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Topic starter
30/11/2022 1:47 pm
HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begins with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weighs 500 pounds."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Oprah cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.
John Kuvakas
Warrenton, VA
David Green and john barry reacted
30/11/2022 2:07 pm
"It`s not possible to have any type of The Blues while reading this helpful directive" so sayeth Fat River Dumplin`
Topic starter
30/11/2022 2:37 pm
Absolutely correct! You can't learn how to play the blues, you have to live them. Awful news about Fat River and that gator.
John Kuvakas
Warrenton, VA
john barry reacted
30/11/2022 6:21 pm
Absolutely correct! You can't learn how to play the blues, you have to live them. Awful news about Fat River and that gator.
Mrs Dumpling`s selfless sacrifice saved a kitty`s life that night John
30/11/2022 6:42 pm
ROTFLMAO!
But what about the other forms of the Blues? Like the Delta Blues, or the Chicago Blues, or the St. Louie Blues? Or (God forbid) the Heavenly Blues…asking for a friend…(yes, I do have one…but just one…).
Zeeky Banutski
The People’s Republic of Maryland
30/11/2022 10:11 pm
Clever JK. Nice contributions John and Frank. Combined made for a great post.
John Kuvakas and Frank Reed reacted
01/12/2022 2:33 pm
When I was a freshman at Oberlin College, a jazz professor gave a chat where he said that all 12-bar blues are in iambic pentameter. Which makes Shakespeare great for singing the blues.
I will not be afraid of death and bane
I will not be afraid of death and bane
Til Burnham Wood do come to Dunsinane.
OR:
What night rule now about this haunted grove?
What night rule now about his haunted grove?
My mistress with a monster is in love.
Frank Reed and John Kuvakas reacted
Paul Rouffa and Frank Reed reacted
01/12/2022 4:04 pm
@paul-rouffa throw a little Clapton in and you got something.🎸
Frank Reed
Chesapeake, VA
Paul Rouffa reacted