A scientific background

Posted by: @jkuvakas

@graeme-ogg, in all sincerity, the chaps in Monty Python have absolutely nothing on you! I count you among those who can entertain for hours...and hours...

I'm not sure "sincerity" has any place in this Forum, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Posted by: @charles-rockett

@graeme-ogg Perhaps it is your predilection for the English language that finds you trussed to your cot by your wife and her muscle-bound assistants of an evening?

I'm not sure whether that is the real reason why certain restrictions are placed on my movements.

However it has to be said that when I attend social evenings organised by The Sesquipedalian Society I voluntarily wear the gauntlets because there is a real risk of becoming dangerously aroused by the sound of young women shamelessly conversing in words of five syllables or more. Talk about inflammatory language.

@graeme-ogg Rather than perpetuating the psychological anguish occasioned by your fellow dinner guests' linguistic preeminence perhaps, free yourself of the gauntlets' constraint thereby, and with empassioned attrision of the tumerous member (many thanks to Brian Sewall R.I.P.) you may liberate the libidenous humours, curtailing your aural arousal?

I fancy myself as a bit of a linguist but I didn't follow that at all. Are you by any chance a devotee of rare English dialects? Or are you, like the late Charles Darwin (see my original post), profoundly dyslexic? If I can locate my copy of Roget's Thesaurus it may elucidate matters but it could take a while.

Graeme;

I must say that I harbor no ill feelings towards you and feel no personal embarrassment or personal slight of any kind resulting from your comments.  Not so much because I am a self confident and forgiving person but more that, in spite of my Grade 7 certificate of achievement, I haven't the foggiest idea what you are talking about in your post....other than of course the part about the gauntlets.  In spite of my impressive level of education I find your multisyllable narrative interesting but by the time I get to the end of each word I have forgotten what the subject of conversation was to start with.  My missus suggested that perhaps I have an ADD issue, which with all due respect is a stupid comment to make because I found number cyphering quite simple in school; other than multiplication tables.  I don't think that perusing a thesaurus book would assist much in my case because I am not really into prehistoric creatures so much, although I do enjoy pictures of them fighting one another, squashing cavemen and eating the tops off trees.  Thank you for your ongoing contributions to this forum sir, whatever they mean, and I too agree that perhaps your true calling in life may be involvement in the Monty Python productions.  I'll "say no more"!

Posted by: @graeme-ogg

I fancy myself as a bit of a linguist but I didn't follow that at all. Are you by any chance a devotee of rare English dialects? Or are you, like the late Charles Darwin (see my original post), profoundly dyslexic? If I can locate my copy of Roget's Thesaurus it may elucidate matters but it could take a while.

No need for the thesaurus:  "Rather than suffer the sexual frustration caused by your dinner guests' advanced language abilities perhaps, remove the gloves that restrict your movements and give your member a vigorous rub (for this use of the term tumorous refer to Brian Sewell's writings) shoot your load and concentrate on the food in front of you rather than the ladies' fancy words!"

@jack-dodds

@graeme-ogg Thanks Graeme...btw do you by chance have the name of the retailer of the gauntlets?  For a friend.

Posted by: @graeme-ogg

Jack, talking of hurt feelings, I do hope you didn’t somehow form the impression that any sly reference I may have made to intellectual or educational deficiency was specifically aimed at you. But you are quite right to be wary. As the saying goes, just because you are paranoid  . . . . . etc.

However, as a small gesture of reassurance I hereby unequivocally and unreservedly withdraw, retract, renounce, repudiate, disavow, disown and dissociate myself from any potentially  offensive, insensitive or demeaning remark which I may or may not* have inadvertently posted on this Forum at some unspecified earlier date and which may have been taken out of context.

 *My legal adviser strongly urged me to include an element of plausible deniability.

Actually, I had planned to post this response yesterday evening, at around 8 p.m., but Mrs Ogg and her two rather impressively muscled social care assistants chose that very moment to bundle me into my SecureTruss™ sleeping garment and manacle me to the rails of my cot for the night, so of course at that point things were entirely out of my hands – particularly since my deluxe nightwear came equipped with the optional HandzOff!® barbed wire anti-self-abuse gauntlets. A touch irksome at times, but obviously essential for preserving one’s eyesight in later life.

 I trust that despite this delayed response the festering resentment which has been gnawing at your soul overnight is now somewhat assuaged.

 “Assuaged”? Yes, it’s a perfectly valid English word, although it may not appear in the yellowing, dog-eared pages of the Illustrated English Dictionary for Remedial Students which has served you well for so many years now. Nor for that matter will you find prestidigitation, supersymmetry, ankylosauri, sociopathology, wainscotting or cryptorchidism - all terms which I can effortlessly conjure up and expound upon at some length during dinner parties. Which may be why they never invite me back. Or it could be due to my regrettable habit of caressing the thighs of lady guests under the table while wearing the aforementioned gauntlets. (My version of rough sex). Who can say?

 

What a fantastically worded response ! 

This calls for a wee shot of Gin at the most appropriate time later today. 

Steve 

Posted by: @jack-dodds

@graeme-ogg Thanks Graeme...btw do you by chance have the name of the retailer of the gauntlets?  For a friend.

Unfortunately my reference material is somewhat out of date. I did manage to find the catalogue of the original maker (Maw and Sons Medical Equipment Suppliers)  but it is very old, with prices in pre-decimal currency, and I believe the company has been taken over by another outfit I couldn't track down.

The desired items appear at the foot of the illustration.

In any event I don't think a UK export licence would be granted for sending any of these products to the States (they are classed as pornographic material) so your friend would be well advised to consult his own physician. Or he could try Walmart.

p.s. I was about to ask my legal adviser and general factotum if he could investigate further possible sources of supply, but unfortunately while my attention was distracted he has somehow managed to unbuckle his own gauntlets and is now . . . ah . . . excuse me, I'll be right back. Just got to get a mop and some paper towels.

Daaaa, i DON'T  understand any of this post.  Albert who?

Herr Albert. Trumpet player. Surely you've heard of him. Did a hugely popular bossa nova version of the Englebert Humperdinck song "Quantum, Quantum, Quantum"

Posted by: @graeme-ogg

Herr Albert. Trumpet player. Surely you've heard of him. Did a hugely popular bossa nova version of the Englebert Humperdinck song "Quantum, Quantum, Quantum"

I had no idea that Albert was a German but was aware of his penchant for bossa nova.  I loved the song he did with Edie Gorme; Bringen Es Auf Den Bossa Nova.

Btw...that Quantum, Quantum, Quantum hit he did for German radio identified the singer as Herr Engelbert Buckelwurst.

Please, release me

@graeme-ogg LOL !!