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Forum 43
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Topic starter
25/12/2022 6:21 am
Gentlemen
OK. So it’s Christmas.
Every year it comes around, and every year it is the same old story. Happy, Happy, Happy. Merry, Merry, Merry. Blah, blah,blah.
Long-time participants in this Forum will not be unduly surprised if I reiterate my avowed intent to take no part whatsoever in this absurd ritual of mutually-inflicted seasonal bonhomie, something which is entirely alien to my nature and which I will continue to resist with every fibre of my being.
However, since this so-called Public Holiday has been forced upon us, I propose to make the best of things by enjoying a little free time in my own fashion.
Lunch will consist of a double helping of gruel, which as a special indulgence will be prepared with a little semi-skimmed milk instead of the usual tap water. That will be followed by a rich dessert of chestnuts which I gathered on the local common earlier in the year. Since roasting chestnuts is a rather energy-intensive process they will simply be crushed and eaten raw, thereby preserving all their natural goodness.
I may also treat myself to a small dram from my faithful bottle of high-grade industrial alcohol which has served me well on these occasions for about 12 years now and is still almost half full. (Or, to express it in terms of my general view of life, slightly more than half-empty.)
I have some suitable light reading to hand - Sir Edward Macauley's magisterial work on The Design and Evolution of The Windscreen Wiper on Japanese Military Vehicles from 1912 to the Present Day. If sufficiently engrossed I may conceivably consider lighting a second candle to extend my reading time well into the evening.
I also have quite a large stack of long-playing records of bagpipe laments sitting beside my wind-up gramophone, and plan to stimulate my neighbours’ aesthetic sensibilities by playing a selection of darkly atmospheric dirges very loudly at regular intervals throughout the day.
And what about your dear lady wife, I hear you ask. Well, I suspect she may have had some premonition about what the day might hold in store, because she started drinking heavily around 10 pm yesterday and is now sprawled, wholly insensible, in front of the fire - which of course is not lit since the outside temperature has soared to almost 34 degrees Fahrenheit, but (to my eyes at least) the empty hearth still provides a reassuring aura of homely comfort. She seems very peaceful and I doubt if the bagpipe music will disturb her unduly. Admire her shapely limbs if you must, but don’t let your imagination run wild. She is 97 years old, after all.
After a hearty supper of lukewarm tea and a scone (enhanced with a luxurious smear of precious margarine) I shall retire to bed around 9 pm accompanied by my pet terrapin which, although technically cold blooded, has a body shape very reminiscent of a hot water bottle, thus providing a measure of psychological comfort when one’s blanket is brittle with hoar frost. A deep and dreamless sleep (or “hypothermia”, to use the currently fashionable term) will rapidly overtake me – as do most things in life, I fear.
All in all, this seems like a very satisfactory plan for getting through this rather tiresome “festive occasion” without undue expense or any form of embarrassing social interaction.
Once all this forced jollity has subsided and people have reverted to a more rational state of mind I look forward to a resumption of serious and sensible discussion on the Forum.
Sincerely
Ebenezer Scrooge
p.s. The models in the accompanying image are to 1:43 scale, although they were deliberately enlarged in order to make them visible. This post therefore qualifies for inclusion in Forum 43. Anyone who disagrees is simply not taking things in the proper seasonal spirit (said he, apparently without a trace of irony). I didn’t want to post this in The Lounge because it’s full of mad people and I am fearful of contamination by association.
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
25/12/2022 9:17 am
And a peaceful sleep Ebenezer. At least you recognized a hobby that all of us here can relate to.
John Kuvakas reacted
25/12/2022 12:50 pm
You have written a classic Graeme. I could buy some of it but cold ground up chestnuts, forget it. That book on Japanese Military Vehicles sounds fascinating.
Despite your Ebenezer complex, emphasized by the picture, I wish your wife and you, the best of this ‘absurd’ season.
John Kuvakas and john barry reacted
Topic starter
25/12/2022 12:58 pm
Thanks. Glad someone enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed putting it together!
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
John Kuvakas and john barry reacted
25/12/2022 1:40 pm
I am moved to tears by your "humbuggery" Graeme. It seems that somewhere along the way you have lost the true meaning of Christmas...perhaps it was your annual January Visa bill. Anyway, to rediscover the joyful Ogg of years gone by, I suggest the seasonal blues cure-all....repeated playing all of Burl Ives' Christmas song book selections for the entire day today, followed up by a similar playing of Boney M's Christmas album on Boxing Day.
John Kuvakas reacted
25/12/2022 4:58 pm
I suppose I am more moved to tears by the traditional significance of this day and what happened 2023 years ago and less by the secular and over hyped commercial run up to the day, although it certainly is part of the season, if of a lesser importance for me, although I do not shun it completely. Enjoy the day in whatever way you can.
John F. Quilter
Eugene, Oregon USA
Jack Dodds and John Kuvakas reacted
25/12/2022 5:43 pm
she started drinking heavily around 10 pm yesterday and is now sprawled, wholly insensible, in front of the fire
Are you sure she is still alive?
I am also not a big fan of what Christmas has turned into, so every year I just go to work and get paid double time plus the holiday pay.
The model cars on the table are Cadillac, Studebaker and Chevy hardtop?
Another great post Graeme!
26/12/2022 12:31 am
@graeme-ogg I for one still enjoy the tradition of Holidays and I have been raised in Canada where we respect them. In America, we take a break to enjoy family gatherings and look at the new year to come and hope the best for each others. When we get older, this take an other signification because families are getting smaller and were are happy to share memories.
I respect your opinion but I don't share it. Anyway, Merry Christmas
Topic starter
26/12/2022 8:55 am
Happy Boxing Day from the UK. Not something officially recognised in the US, of course, but historically in these parts the day after Christmas was when boxes filled with small gifts and money would be given to household servants and employees who had to work on Dec. 25. The gifts were meant as a thank you for their service throughout the year. Not that I have domestic servants of course (my good lady excepted), and anyway I wouldn't dream of giving them gifts, but that's just me.
I passed a not unpleasant night, and you will be pleased to hear that Mrs Scrooge also survived relatively unscathed, due in no small measure to having previously ingested copious quantities of antifreeze. A real lifesaver, and so much cheaper than brandy.
Once I have recovered some sensation in my lower limbs - which may take a few hours longer - I will be venturing out to gather some fallen branches so that we may indulge in the luxury of a small fire, while the bark will provide a nourishing broth. One is grateful for Nature's bounty.
Belated seasonal good wishes to all, including those who, curiously enough, apparently suspected my little piece of fiction was a serious statement. Ah well . . .
Ebenezer
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
26/12/2022 10:11 am
@graeme-ogg This Christmas me 'n misses really did ask Santa for coal 'n wood. Christmas Day came along and there were a sack o coal and a bag o'wood by door. So on Christmas Day we could keep warm for at least one day through winter. BTW we asked Santa for birch wood but we used the bark as a fire lighter to save expense o buying proper fire lighters.
Back in the day the British Christmas tradition was to give a lump of coal and a satsuma stuffed in a stocking. The former to try and keep warm and the latter to keep scurvy at bay until Spring arrived. 
Autominologist residing in the Robin Hood County
Nottinghamshire England UK
26/12/2022 1:16 pm
Happy Boxing Day Graeme! As always I enjoyed your wickedly wonderful sense of humor as I have since the early days of MAR. Keep 'em coming. I couldn't do the Scrooge thing yesterday however, and instead had fun with family and a lady friend.
Karl Schnelle reacted
26/12/2022 1:30 pm
Just for the record Graeme...in spite of you being generally an extremely serious person I did in fact detect a trace of tongue-in-cheek in your post. Nonetheless I still recommend Burl Ives and Boney M extended sessions for your mental well being. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas!
John Kuvakas reacted
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