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Christmas - a different perspective

Graeme Ogg · 2022-12-25T10:21:50Z

Gentlemen OK. So it’s Christmas. Every year it comes around, and every year it is the same old story. Happy, Happy, Happy. Merry, Merry, Merry. Blah, blah,blah. Long-time participants in this Forum will not be unduly surprised if I reiterate my avowed intent to take no part whatsoever in this absurd ritual of mutually-inflicted seasonal bonhomie, something which is entirely alien to my nature and which I will continue to resist with every fibre of my being. However, since this so-called Public Holiday has been forced upon us, I propose to make the best of things by enjoying a little free time in my own fashion. Lunch will consist of a double helping of gruel, which as a special indulgence will be prepared with a little semi-skimmed milk instead of the usual tap water. That will be followed by a rich dessert of chestnuts which I gathered on the local common earlier in the year. Since roasting chestnuts is a rather energy-intensive process they will simply be crushed and eaten raw, thereby preserving all their natural goodness. I may also treat myself to a small dram from my faithful bottle of high-grade industrial alcohol which has served me well on these occasions for about 12 years now and is still almost half full. (Or, to express it in terms of my general view of life, slightly more than half-empty.) I have some suitable light reading to hand - Sir Edward Macauley's magisterial work on The Design and Evolution of The Windscreen Wiper on Japanese Military Vehicles from 1912 to the Present Day. If sufficiently engrossed I may conceivably consider lighting a second candle to extend my reading time well into the evening. I also have quite a large stack of long-playing records of bagpipe laments sitting beside my wind-up gramophone, and plan to stimulate my neighbours’ aesthetic sensibilities by playing a selection of darkly atmospheric dirges very loudly at regular intervals throughout the day. And what about your dear lady wife, I hear you ask. Well, I suspect she may have had some premonition about what the day might hold in store, because she started drinking heavily around 10 pm yesterday and is now sprawled, wholly insensible, in front of the fire - which of course is not lit since the outside temperature has soared to almost 34 degrees Fahrenheit, but (to my eyes at least) the empty hearth still provides a reassuring aura of homely comfort. She seems very peaceful and I doubt if the bagpipe music will disturb her unduly. Admire her shapely limbs if you must, but don’t let your imagination run wild. She is 97 years old, after all. After a hearty supper of lukewarm tea and a scone (enhanced with a luxurious smear of precious margarine) I shall retire to bed around 9 pm accompanied by my pet terrapin which, although technically cold blooded, has a body shape very reminiscent of a hot water bottle, thus providing a measure of psychological comfort when one’s blanket is brittle with hoar frost. A deep and dreamless sleep (or “hypothermia”, to use the currently fashionable term) will rapidly overtake me – as do most things in life, I fear. All in all, this seems like a very satisfactory plan for getting through this rather tiresome “festive occasion” without undue expense or any form of embarrassing social interaction. Once all this forced jollity has subsided and people have reverted to a more rational state of mind I look forward to a resumption of serious and sensible discussion on the Forum. Sincerely Ebenezer Scrooge p.s. The models in the accompanying image are to 1:43 scale, although they were deliberately enlarged in order to make them visible. This post therefore qualifies for inclusion in Forum 43. Anyone who disagrees is simply not taking things in the proper seasonal spirit (said he, apparently without a trace of irony). I didn’t want to post this in The Lounge because it’s full of mad people and I am fearful of contamination by association.

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Jack Dodds

(@jack-dodds)

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26/12/2022 1:33 pm

Posted by: @jkuvakas

Once again, well done, Graeme. This is becoming a hallowed tradition! Next year we will be prepared and have all our little ones gather round while we read your story and share your pictures.

JK; I can't wait that long.....I'm going to lobby Graeme to provide us with an Easter story.

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Graeme Ogg

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Topic starter 26/12/2022 1:42 pm

Ah, Mr Dodds, I am delighted to hear that Burl Ives and Boney M push all your buttons.

Including this one, obviously . . .

(I may be mean-spirited but I can't resist deploying a little flattery now and then - just to oil the social wheels, you know?)

This post was modified 3 years ago 2 times by Graeme Ogg

Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.

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Jack Dodds

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26/12/2022 1:59 pm

Posted by: @graeme-ogg

Ah, Mr Dodds, I am delighted to hear that Burl Ives and Boney M push all your buttons.

Including this one, obviously . . .

I can't really answer that comment as I'm having difficulty understanding what that button means. I suspect it produces the opposite of what Alvin and the Chipmunks sound like though??

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Graeme Ogg

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Topic starter 26/12/2022 3:34 pm

No, no, most retards sound exactly like Alvin and the Chipmunks - but the mere fact that you would choose to reference that particular musical ensemble was a bit of a "QED" moment for me.

This post was modified 3 years ago by Graeme Ogg

Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.

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Harv Goranson

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26/12/2022 10:47 pm

@graeme-ogg Graeme - please e-mail me. I've got something to share with you! cartoys1 "at" comcast.net.

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Graeme Ogg

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Topic starter 27/12/2022 4:19 pm

@mg-harv email sent. Do your worst!

Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.

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Jack Dodds

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27/12/2022 4:35 pm

Posted by: @graeme-ogg

No, no, most retards sound exactly like Alvin and the Chipmunks - but the mere fact that you would choose to reference that particular musical ensemble was a bit of a "QED" moment for me.

Thank you....I guess. Actually I hear Alvin and The Chipmunks in my head a lot.

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Graeme Ogg

(@graeme-ogg)

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Topic starter 27/12/2022 5:08 pm

You sure that's not just tinnitus?

Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.

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David Green

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27/12/2022 5:24 pm

I left The Digest Zone for a few hours and came back to the continued entertainment on Graeme’s post. Thanks to all who contributed to this saga.

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