A few thoughts for the day.

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes.

Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.

One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.

Now that's humerus.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.

So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied. "That's not just any old lizard ... he's a stand-up chameleon."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.

I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is bad grammar.

He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."

Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it's a soap opera.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

But the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court ... it was a brief case.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King.

But he made a great ruler.

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

That's right ...Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You probably have not heard of herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker.

That's right, the steaks were pretty high.