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12/05/2026 9:44 pm
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
John Kuvakas
Warrenton, VA
12/05/2026 10:16 pm
Thanks. I have heard a few of these in the past. They are all very good.
Ed Davis
Inverness, Illinois, USA
12/05/2026 11:38 pm
I have heard most of these priceless comments in the past and still they just made me laugh out loud. Anytime a criminal defense lawyer gets roasted I'm totally up for it.
This post was modified 2 days ago by Jack Dodds
13/05/2026 5:52 am
These are always good for an excellent chuckle and the fact that they are real is extra funny. Love the last one.
13/05/2026 6:27 am
....how 'bout things actually said on dates to impress women?
- When explaining to my date that I "keep in shape" by swimming, she replied, "Oh, that's interesting, where do you swim?" I quickly replied, "In water....."
100% true! 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄
13/05/2026 7:06 am
....how 'bout things actually said on dates to impress women?
- When explaining to my date that I "keep in shape" by swimming, she replied, "Oh, that's interesting, where do you swim?" I quickly replied, "In water....."
100% true! 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄
That's funny. I'd like to see a list of these too.
My best pick-up line was: I'm not really this tall; I'm standing on my wallet. 
13/05/2026 7:26 am
@perrone1 As a bartender in my younger years, I did hear a gentleman in his early forties use a similar line on the cocktail waitress waiting for me to fill her order, at the Five Crowns. He was very well presented and if he had used any other line he may have had a chance, but too many patrons waiting to be seated for dinner overheard him and their laughter put a bit of a damper on his effort to seduce.
You weren't in So. Cal. in the mid seventies, were you, Tony? 
13/05/2026 8:03 am
Yep, I've heard some of these as well, they still make me laugh. I'm sure there's some great zingers out there were haven't heard.😂🤣
13/05/2026 8:22 am
@perrone1 As a bartender in my younger years, I did hear a gentleman in his early forties use a similar line on the cocktail waitress waiting for me to fill her order, at the Five Crowns. He was very well presented and if he had used any other line he may have had a chance, but too many patrons waiting to be seated for dinner overheard him and their laughter put a bit of a damper on his effort to seduce.
You weren't in So. Cal. in the mid seventies, were you, Tony?
LOL!
I was in CA. at my last US Army duty station, Letterman General Hospital, Presidio of San Francisco in 1968; in FL by mid-seventies.
13/05/2026 8:36 am
Thanks John. A good laugh to start my morning.
13/05/2026 8:41 am
@perrone1 I spent three months in the hospital, in 1968, which began nine hours after I signed up for the Air Force. I got into the wrong car, on the wrong night. But, I did end up in Daytona Beach three years later. I didn't get to SF until much later.