Life is like a box of chocolates.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that
could have been wine.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a
rollercoaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a
clear shot of a robber standing still!

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I
replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used
to make?" I am now blocked.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower
curtains for murderers .. if you do find one, what's
your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why
Noah only let animals on the ark.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a
crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a
dollar bill with a bent corner.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five
or six times, you know, to make sure.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at
the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other
explanation for that type of income.

My wife knows it's time to clean out her purse when her
car assumes it's a extra passenger who isn't wearing a
seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body
will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this
in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

In the 1950s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm
telling you this now because we didn't have social media
then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged
like milk. I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't
just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than
meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. but his
brother Frank was a monster.