OBSERVATIONS:

OBSERVATIONS:

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!"... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk, You get in."

I've had my patience tested.  I'm negative.

If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving. I wish you an excellent one.