random thoughts!

Just had a warning from Facebook about writing Ibuprofen on people’s posts. They said I was making anti-inflammatory comments.  

Swallowed a bottle of Tippex last night. Woke up this morning with a massive correction!!!

 A judge jailed a man with a stammer but said he was unlikely to complete his sentence.

I bought my wife a smart car. It won’t let her in.

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you've probably seen our posters.

My dad worked on roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing. At first, I didn't believe it ... but when I got home all the signs were there.

I tried to get in a nightclub, but they wouldn't let me in unless I had a tie. So, I went back to the car to find one, but all I could find was some jump leads. They let me in with them on, but the bouncer warned ... "you can come in, but don't start anything”!

I’ve been diagnosed with kleptomania - I’m taking a lot of stuff for it.

I said to my wife: ‘If you could have sex with one celebrity dead or alive, which would it be?’ She said: “Alive!”

Can you believe a bloke ran into a supermarket today and threw toilet cleaner over some fruit? He's being charged with bleach of the peach.

If any of the males out there is interested, there's a documentary on late tonight about erectile dysfunction. Sadly, I won't be able to stay up for it.

Locksmith found dead!!!  Police appeal for a key witness.