A few quotes and thoughts.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charlie Chaplin

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – Anonymous

I was in a cab today, and the cab driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.” It was just at that moment when I said, “Turn Left”.

There's nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think "They are going to find me naked."

Is stealing someone's coffee called mugging?

I put my grandma on speed dial - that’s my Instagram.

Todays word:
Subdued; the guy behind the counter who makes your sandwiches.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
Oh yeah? What was his name?
Pikup Andropov