AWFUL PUNS.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either. 

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night. She called me a cheap-skate. 

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. 

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it. 

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion. 

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. 

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair. 

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected. 

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.  It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.