Just for fun - One-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart. 

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust.

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change

I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?

Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant

I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house

Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful

My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes

I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.

Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.

I’ve just been fired from my job marking exam papers. I can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.

Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in my vineyard. He'd herd it through the grapevine.

I don't know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.

Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy?, I hear you ask. 

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.

What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?

After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.

I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days.