Some deep thoughts...

• I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes.

Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.

• I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
• I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.

One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

• If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.

Now that's humerus.

• I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

• Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
• Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.

So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

• I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied. "That's not just any old lizard ... he's a stand-up chameleon."
• I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.

I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

• Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is bad grammar.

He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."

• Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it's a soap opera.

• The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

But the chick peas can only hummus one.

• Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court ... it was a brief case.
• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King.

But he made a great ruler.

• Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

• My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

That's right ...Jack and the beans talk.

• I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You probably have not heard of herbivore.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
• I was struggling to understand where the sun went each night. Finally, it dawned on me.
• Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker.

That's right, the steaks were pretty high.