Attorneys?

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? __________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Guess. 
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? 
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.