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Topic starter
16/12/2024 9:33 am
As you may be dimly aware, the so-called “Festive Season” is fast approaching once again. This is always a potentially unsettling time for the socially dysfunctional and, as ever, I reserve the right to ignore it as far as humanly possible. But I realise that total resistance is futile, so some suitable arrangements must be made to mitigate its pernicious effects.
The underground retreat which you may remember my lady wife and I created a year ago can still provide a useful refuge from the hustle and bustle of the outside world, but we decided we might like to spend more time above ground during the coming holiday season. However, given the persistent problem of seasonal choristers with their silly bobble hats and their begging bowls, this has required an extensive upgrade to our existing system of defence, so we now have a more comprehensive array of military-grade deterrence linked to sonic detectors. We have christened it “ECSEPT” (Eliminate Carol Singers with Extreme Prejudice Today). Bit of a misnomer, really, as it doesn’t make exceptions. One brief burst of “Good King Wence . . .” and they’re toast. End of story.
And if they happen to bring along some instrumental accompanists, well, that won’t be a problem. We have a band saw.
Obviously, for most of the year this elaborate system will not be required for its primary purpose, but it will have an ongoing capability to deal with foxes, rats, voles, badgers and itinerant driveway and patio repairers.
Of course, not everyone will feel the need for such elaborate arrangements, but they would be well advised to undertake some form of preparation which will enable them to take effective action should the need arise.
I trust you find this seasonal advice helpful.
This topic was modified 1 year ago by Graeme Ogg
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
16/12/2024 9:52 am
Nice to see the spirit of the season on display. A refreshing change from lights and blow up decorations.
16/12/2024 10:11 am
A highly elaborate fortification - I'm envious!
We only have a trap door defense but it is within the confines of the house itself. It 'flushes', if you will, into a large and vast sewer system that quickly leads to the Little River that runs to the Smoky Mountain National Park down the hill here.
Why, just last night, some carolers came caroling and like well-meaning morons, we invited them in. Half of them devoured our Evan Williams Eggnog and the other half, our hot toddies. I pulled the lever and flushed them all away. But did I say, they drank my Evan Williams? Just read what it's made with.
Where can I start to accumulate your outer perimeter defense system Graeme?
16/12/2024 10:22 am
As always Graeme, your infectious Christmas spirit warms the heart. I would also draw the line at "begging bowls"; this whole sharing concept has gotten quite out of control. In fairness, you may post a sign on your razor wire fence suggesting that such bowls be worn for head protection. By the way, have you found another gardener to replace the previous one who stepped on that land mine?
This post was modified 1 year ago 2 times by Jack Dodds
Topic starter
16/12/2024 12:04 pm
@perrone1 Army surplus stores and Ministry of Defence scrapyards.
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
Tony Perrone and Jack Dodds reacted
Topic starter
16/12/2024 12:10 pm
The story about the gardener was an inaccurate press report. The poor man was on patrol around the perimeter on Xmas Eve and after hearing "Mary's Boy Child" sung off-key by five groups of pre-pubescent carolers in quick succession he just went to pieces. No land mine was involved.As always Graeme, your infectious Christmas spirit warms the heart. I would also draw the line at "begging bowls"; this whole sharing concept has gotten quite out of control. In fairness, you may post a sign on your razor wire fence suggesting that such bowls be worn for head protection. By the way, have you found another gardener to replace the previous one who stepped on that land mine?
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
16/12/2024 12:12 pm
I must say, in all of the busyness of the season, I didn't realize it had never gotten off to its official start! I wasn't sure what was lacking; I only had a sense of things just kind of dribbling into place. Thank you, Graeme, for setting things right. Let the festivities, or perhaps more appropriately, the quashing for festivities, begin!
By the way, I had never heard of a "begging bowl." Apparently, this is a real thing.
John Kuvakas
Warrenton, VA
16/12/2024 1:47 pm
@graeme-ogg I suspect your deceased gardener may have snapped mentally and thrown himself under his ride-em mower.
John Kuvakas and Tony Perrone reacted
16/12/2024 2:00 pm
@jkuvakas Thanks for the Joyeux Noel rallying call Graeme and JK.........let the humbuggery begin! Down with commercialized Christmas, the mall crawl and January VISA bills; let's get back to the basics of the true meaning of Christmas.
There....I feel better now!
Topic starter
20/12/2024 11:32 am
Home security update 20 December
p.s. A word to emotionally sensitive forum members. This image is a simulation.
Graeme.M. Ogg
London U.K.
John Kuvakas and Tony Perrone reacted
20/12/2024 11:52 am
@graeme-ogg If they are smart, they'll refrain from singing carols while restrained!
John Kuvakas reacted