What to you call a.....

How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

 

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

 

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

 

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

 

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

 

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

 

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

 

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

 

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

 

She had a photographic memory but never developed it

 

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

 

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

 

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

 

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

 

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

 

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

 

Need an ark? I Noah guy

 

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

 

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine

 

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus!